I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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