I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
