The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
