so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
