He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
