I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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