4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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