Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
