i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
