Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
