my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he shaved USA in his pubs
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
