It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
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I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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