my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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