Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
