i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
