how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
