She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
