She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
