I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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