I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Boobs are out for the taking
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
