wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
