nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
