I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
