Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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