The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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