I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
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You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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