You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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