3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
