Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
