My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
