If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
