he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
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Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked