is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
