i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.