he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.