I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
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Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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