I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
