New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
