I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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