i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
