i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
