she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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