I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
