I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
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usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.