Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.