R you on birth control?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra