Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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