If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
