How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
