My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
