god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
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ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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