I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
