Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
