Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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