i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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