can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
