i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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