Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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