just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
