Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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