I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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