Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
